Undiscovered Soul

One year...

2011-10-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

It has been almost one year since that fateful day.... I never imagined that when I kissed and hugged you and we joked for a bit, that those were our final moments together, those were your final words. We were waiting patiently to hear that everything went well. but as time flew on we knew something went wrong. They wheeled you past the door in a blur, we heard you cry out and that is when time stood still. Life in that instant forever changed. We were the last people in the waiting room, waiting.... waiting.

When I walked into the ICU, you were flanked from above by two angels whom I recognized, I knew then that time was short. No one really knew why I reacted as I did.. but my world crushed me in that moment... to see my father, my superman, waiting for his turn to ascend into heaven. Those six days were the most painful days of all of my existence. I stayed by your side, held your hand and spoke to you... You could barely respond, but I understood as if it were clear as crystal. I knew you wanted to see J and A, so I sent for them...

We 5 were all together in the room with you that day... you responded to J and A... J promised to take care of your girls and for you to not worry. A told you how much she loves her Pa, forever. When they left that afternoon, mom and I watched as you slipped further under. By morning we heard the update and final prognosis. You waited to hear from and see from your vantage point J and A before you began your full journey.

Two days later you were no longer hooked up to anything, but resting as comfortable as we could provide. You waited for my to leave that morning, before you has one final private moment with mom. She told me you turned your head, opened your eyes and focused on hers... one single tear fell from your eye, as you sighed a deep sigh, mom told her she loves you and it is okay... you closed your eyes and left us. She said she watched you leave your physical body... we know you are safe and well now.

I came to see you, so did J. It was the hardest thing to see, to experience.. to see you there, but you were not really there. I held your hand and kissed your forehead for almost an hour. I did not want to leave you... I wanted you back.

Now you visit us, you speak to me and you still have fun with us. I know you are well now, I know you are watching over us... that star in the sky. I love you dad... I miss you more than I can really put into words. I want to hug you one more time, see your smile and hold your hand. One day I will get that chance... but for now, take care of those who are there with you and tell them all they are loved.

Undiscovered Soul Quotes...

2011-09-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

(This will be updated from time to time and thusly re-posted at the top of the blog.)

Life is like a multicolored tapestry of emotions and experience... I hope to one day look back upon my tapestry and see it as a beautiful masterpiece imperfections and all. (Undiscovered Soul)

Sometimes I truly hate my life, but then I look up and see who I share it with.... That is what keeps me going. (Undiscovered Soul)

Not a single one of us are perfect, we were not designed to be...Embrace each other's perfect imperfections for that is the perfect way to be. (Undiscovered Soul)

Sometimes you must open the flood gates in order for the river to become peaceful once again. (Undiscovered Soul)

Away....Apart

2011-09-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

I feel you pulling away,
Your love is falling away,
I feel us drifting away,
Our love is going away,
I feel like running away.

Torn apart, falling apart, drifting apart, together yet apart.............

Slowly killing my heart

(Undiscovered Soul)

Nightmares...

2011-09-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's been four months,
we've been together only once.

What more can I possibly say?
Is there really anything left to say?

I've tried and tried and yet I fail,
my advances to no avail.

My desire is beginning to fade,
our love is like a big charade.

I feel scared and alone,
our house no longer a home.

For the love we had now seems gone...
could it possibly be gone?

In marriage you share intimacy,
but that is what you are refusing me.

I feel like I am dieing inside,
these tears that I am fighting to hide.

It seems you don't care anymore,
if I sleep in your bed or on the floor.

Please make this damn nightmare stop,
I'm begging you.....
please make it stop.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Ebb and flow....

2011-09-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

The tide rolls in, the tide rolls out,
the ebb and flow pushes me about.

One day is hell, the next not quite as bad,
Wish only good days were all that I had.

Reality for me, has never been easy,
But maybe my life was not meant to be.

So I struggle to make progress, to move on within my life,
I want to be accepted and loved as a mother and wife.

I am poor, yet not needy, but can not pay my bills,
I am depressed and always sad, the pain it slowly kills.

Do not take for granted, your vacations, loves or friends,
or you could be like me, experience the pain that never ends.

I have none of that, no friends at all, no one wants me close,
They try to hide their feelings, but their distaste for me shows.

I have had a few reunions, re-connections from the past,
But the happiness and joy I felt was never meant to last.

I don't know where I went wrong, if I am truly not worthwhile,
Or if I am a bad person, somehow nasty even vile.

I am sorry that you do not like me, that I am worth nothing to you,
I guess I am a terrible person not worth love or friendship too.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Illusions.....

2011-09-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

Love is just an illusion, Love is filled with pain.
What I had is now gone, I have nothing left to gain.

I feel I am unworthy, like a sacrificial lamb.
I gave all that I had, gave everything I am.

But it seems I am not worth loving, like a jacket left unworn.
When I gave my love to you, my heart was being torn.

My life is left in shambles, in a twisted rolling wake.
I feel empty and unwanted, my heart begins to break.

All I wanted was for you to love me, was it too much for me to ask?
Inside I feel I'm dying, I wear my smile like a mask.

No affection, no touch or single word, of adoration or of love.
I am ignored, cast off and pushed away just something disposed of.

I guess no one has ever really loved me, nor was my real true friend.
I now see my whole reality, the truth came out in the end.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Not enough.....

2011-09-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

I see that I am not enough of a reason,
for you to make a change.
I see that our daughter is not enough of a reason,
for you to make a change.

Is this life, my devotion not good enough?
Is there not reason enough, to try to make a change?
Is my love not reason enough?
Not enough to make a change?

Why waste this beautiful life, this beautiful day...
Why ignore your daughter's love, my heart and soul...
I have said all the words there are left to say.
I am left to cry, my heart broken with a hole.

All you are doing is slowly killing you...
While I suffer, you are killing me too.

I have tried my best to give you what you lacked all those years,
A happy home, a loving family, the material things....
Telling you that I love you, adore you, through my tears
But it is never enough, happiness it never brings

All for a drink, a bit of fun, an attempt to numb...

All you are doing is slowly killing you...
While I suffer, you are killing me too.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Dreams and reality...

2011-09-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

I dreamt of a loving spouse and picket fence
A happy life in the future sense.
What I got was not in my dream,
I want to wake up, so I scream and scream.

He drinks to forget, to unwind, to go numb
I love him too much that I can not run
So I cry each night in sorrow in pain,
My tears falling down like a constant rain.

My heart breaks for what could be, could have been,
I could never imagine my life without being with him
His past is filled with sorrow and abandonment,
The pain he feels I can not prevent.

We all have scars from our past,
from falling when we ran too fast.
All we can do is take what we can,
Learn and grow then start again.

I wish I could heal his wounds that run deep,
I pray for help when he's fast asleep,
I cry and plead, but it's all the same
He has hidden stories, filled with pain.

He drinks to escape, forget and to hide,
All the Pain, sorrow and hurt inside.
My heart breaks for his, I wish I could take it all away
So I say a prayer and make a wish, hoping for another day.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Living Nightmare...

2011-09-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

I try to live a peaceful life,
but it constantly fills with sadness and strife.
I walk three steps forward just to find,
that I am still two steps behind.

Seems others hate me, love making trouble for me
I just want to live, just want to be free.
First it was the yard and then it was the fence
None of this trouble makes any sense.

I did not start it, did not want it,
I did not ask for this, not one bit.
Was minding my business, just living my life,
Then she came at me with a double edged knife.

Seems trouble is always following me,
like I'm jinxed and doomed to the third degree.
Finish with one problem, one drama filled day,
I find peace for one minute and then it flies far away.

I know I'm not perfect, not beautiful or smart,
but I try to live a love filled life with my broken heart.
I never did anything to any of them,
but I am who they all condemn.

If karma is real, then what they give me,
they get what they give to the power of three.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Cleansing...

2011-08-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

Sage, sweetgrass, cedar, pine
bundled together, intertwine
Consumed by fire, released with smoke
my negativity vanish... with each word I spoke.
My home, my body, purify and cleanse
magnify the good with crystal gems.
Sadness, worry vanish fast
all that was, is now the past.
Negative people I push away,
I want to start a brand new day.
Moving forward with open heart
with happiness is my new start.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Nature, naturally...

2011-08-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

Out in nature, naturally me
Finally happy, finally free
Free from the sadness and stress
Escape from my life, the mess
No problems, no bills
No expectations to fulfill

I can breathe, I can smile
I walk on mile... after mile
Bird's song, butterflies flutter
A tiny stream's little sputter

My eyes bright, my heart light...can this even be right?
Why can't life always be like this?
Why can't I stay happy like this?

Out in nature I am naturally me...
No more judgments, no one to see
If I am fat, skinny or tall
Out here it doesn't matter at all
Hatred and spite have no place
Out in nature this beautiful place

(Undiscovered Soul)

Roller Coasters.....

2011-07-31T18:08:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of the ups and downs....
So tired of constant smiles and frowns.
Seems my emotions are running wild...
Like a spoiled rotten child.
I am honestly getting thoroughly tired....
This is nowhere near the life I desired.

One minute I am on cloud nine,
In the next sorrow is all mine.
Is like my mind is playing tricks on me,
I don't know which way to be.
Happy or sad.... mad or glad.

I can see the good in each day...
But seems the crap gets in the way.
Be it interference from others...
Or the sadness that smothers....
All the happiness and joy,
That I work so hard to employ.

It creeps up on me like a nightmare'
And threatens to steal all of my air.
Smother me slowly until I can not see
All the good that is right in front of me.

Wish I could shake it off for good,
Cast it away like I know I should.
It seems I am not strong enough...
I know its time to get tough.
Overcome the negative....
Replace it with the positive.

Fight with all my might until I get it right.

(Undiscovered Soul)

I've Tried...

2011-07-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

I have tried to wear a happy face, to be strong
I have tried to please others, to fit in, to belong
It seems my energy was wasted, all my efforts derail
No matter how hard I try, it seems I am destined to fail
I change how I look, it works a short time
Then I give up and revert, seems failure's all mine

The pain cuts me like a knife
I've felt this pain my entire life
To try and try, to only fail
Over and over to no avail

To watch the world all having fun
It spins by in a constant run
I've never been welcomed, never fit in
I like to pretend that I have thick skin
But the truth remains it hurts to be I am
I feel like I am cursed, a sacrificial lamb

I try to be true to the real me
But that is not who you want me to be
Because to be that I am unloved and unwanted
You walk away completely undaunted
You do not care about the pain that I feel
Because to you my feelings are not real

You say I am over sensitive, to get stronger
But I do not feel I can hold on much longer
All I want is a good friend or two
Someone who is honest and true
Maybe no one will like me for me
Maybe my happiness was not meant to be

(Undiscovered Soul)

On my walk.....

2011-07-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

Many more times than not I am a lone wolf destined to wander alone.
I have my small pack but still most the time I am solo, rejected,
destined to be alone.

No phone calls, no visits, no emails..... A quick visit to never be heard from again.
Like I am an infectious poison to most.
Maybe I talk too much, come off self absorbed, selfish or worse.
I am socially awkward, inept and inexperienced.
I know I am no ones first pick and sometimes no ones last.

No wedding proposals, proms or dances... No romantic gestures of any kind,
barely a sweet word muttered. No compliments. No birthday cards, no presents,
no invitations.... no nothing.

As if a sign resides on my chest for all to see that kinds words,
gestures of love or friendship are not needed or wanted...
as if I am a heartless cold soul.

I guess I only fulfill a purpose and nothing else,
that I get and deserve nothing in return.

(Undiscovered Soul)

The Goldfish Bowl...

2011-07-23T19:22:00.001-07:00

In a goldfish bowl, watching the world spin by

Un-noticed and unheard, the tears that I cry

Smiling faces and laughter are not of my own,

For this small goldfish bowl is my only home.

Prisoner, outcast, solitarily confined

The acceptance I felt was only in my mind.

(undiscovered Soul)

The Little Bird...

2011-07-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

A little bird told me, that you no longer care,

that the love you felt, is no longer there.

When I look in your eyes, I see the pain in your heart,

the sadness…. the sadness tears you apart.

Well it’s time my dear, to bring the joy back once more

Forget the past, just walk through that old door

For the love you seek, it never went very far

You can find it again, with the first morning’s star

When we cloud our dreams, and darken our minds

The web of our lives, all too quickly unwinds

You have only one life, today’s your one chance

Fill your heart with joy, let love make you dance

The love I have for you, is an unbreakable bond

It can reach to the stars and even further beyond

So just take my hand, I will journey with you

I’ll stay by your side, what are you going to do

Life is a special gift, wont you start with today

I am here for you, I promise I wont stray

Let the healing begin, complete from head to toe

Once you open your heart, you have so far you can go

(Undiscovered Soul)

The Gift...

2011-07-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

I live by the motto, to give you shall receive;

But that very motto, was what you misconceive.

To give freely does not permit,

the giver to demand, to hate or spit

viscous lies, slander and hate

a way for you to minipulate

You used your given gift as a hidden tool

To play me as a puppet, to obey your every rule

When I stayed true to my very design

Proved to you that I still had my spine

You again picked up your gift to me

and collected your refund fee

by back bites, and back-stabs as well

you wear your two faced mask quite well

Full of antagonism, hostility and hate

A dejected lonely life may be your fate

You preached compassion, kindness and love

but those are what your devoid of

with one hand you gave me a gift

with the other you hit me quite swift

(Undiscovered Soul)

My book...

2011-07-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

Do not judge my book, by the stories of which were told;

The pages were left untouched, only lies were what was sold.

Do not judge my book by it's cover, the pages left un-turned;

The treasures sit undiscovered, the truth remains un-learned.

For there is more to me, than what can be taken at face value;

There is far more to me, than what tall tales can misconstrue.

(Undiscovered Soul)

You said....

2011-07-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

You said that you loved me, that you'd always be there
You said that you'd do anything, you said that you care
But the tide has turned, threat to wash out to sea
All that we built, all that was you and was me
My soul dies inside with each breath that I take
A piece withers away, my poor heart it does break
So I lay on my side, and swallow my fate
As I feel the tide turn, your love into hate

(Undiscovered Soul)

Fun House Mirrors...

2011-07-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

All through your life
was struggle and strife
Deep down inside
the truth did not hide
You felt alone and jaded
sometimes judged and hated
Your self esteem was quite low
but you did not allow it to show
your life under constant dissection
your pain needed direction
when you found a pure being
who's life was clean and gleaming
rising above their own strife
and still enjoy a happy life
so your pain did compound
with their joyful happiness around
you attacked without a care
your pain was yours to share
to point the blame onto others
your hate and pain it smothers
removing the happiness and joy
any tactic you employ
to make others look bad
do to them what others had
done to you for many years
your hands are stained with their tears
for you find joy in their suffering
their happiness you're coveting
through their pain you find happiness
you find joy in their distress
you live your life unforgiving
but you'll get back what your giving.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Truth and lies....

2011-07-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

The truth has come out,
Spit like venom….
from your mouth
Putrid acid…
of your words
Echo in my head……
like sharp swords
Slashed away all.…..
that was built
You want me pained……
filled with guilt
My heart destroyed….
filled with bile
Played as a pawn…
all the while
You’re the master…
pulled my strings
Made me your puppet…
of all things
A sacrifice…
for your cause
To break free….
from your bars
You spin lies….
And deceit
But watch your hands…
And your feet
For both are dirty….
And impure
Now covered…
In your own manure
For we get ….
What we give
And we spread....
how we live

(Undiscovered Soul)

No One But Me....

2011-07-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

No one but me, knows just how it feels
To walk through this life, Like a fish wearing heels
I feel out of place, so completely alone
Unworthy of love, as if the sun never shone.

Seems life is a waste, like some sort of joke
I'm ignored and unwanted, feeling like Carney folk.
My feelings are like phantoms, unnoticed, unseen
I'm treated like garbage, as if an unfeeling machine

My heart just keeps dying, each chance the I give
This life is a hell, that I don't want to re-live.
Do unto others, as they'll do to you
but not once in my life, has this ever been true

(Undiscovered Soul)

Changes....

2011-07-15T16:55:00.001-07:00

Some things are weighing heavy on my mind, realizing some things never change...
I am just a lowly soul rolling with the tide, wishing I could drift out to sea.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Things are still weighing heavy on my mind, I now know I must deal with and accept my past for what it was (found truth within the lies, found lies within the truth)
Furthermore I must find peace and comfort in my present so that the future may one day come.

(Undiscovered Soul)

And so it begins:

2011-07-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

Since in yet another area of my life I have little to no privacy yet another place where opinionated and cynical individuals need to poison my life, I've decided to create yet another blog, more private this time. I will have to invite people to read it, which is a good thing.