Stuck in reverse...

Stuck in the past, only focus on the negatives.
Stuck in the past, old worry, emotion and regret.

Only see what WAS, letting what IS slip by.

It stares you in the face, the joy, happiness and beauty,

but your vision is clouded with thoughts of yesterday

It slips through your fingers, the blessings and gift of today,

left holding despair, regret and sorrow.

On a constant turning wheel of sadness and self pity

unable to get off, unable to stop, 

a compulsion to focus on what was.

That energy is wasted, the past song long sung

Move forward into today, not defined by what was

but creating a new definition by the lessons once learned.

Live for today, hope for tomorrow, but never let the past poison the present.

One year...

It has been almost one year since that fateful day.... I never imagined that when I kissed and hugged you and we joked for a bit, that those were our final moments together, those were your final words. We were waiting patiently to hear that everything went well. but as time flew on we knew something went wrong. They wheeled you past the door in a blur, we heard you cry out and that is when time stood still. Life in that instant forever changed. We were the last people in the waiting room, waiting.... waiting.

 When I walked into the ICU, you were flanked from above by two angels whom I recognized, I knew then that time was short. No one really knew why I reacted as I did.. but my world crushed me in that moment... to see my father, my superman, waiting for his turn to ascend into heaven. Those six days were the most painful days of all of my existence. I stayed by your side, held your hand and spoke to you... You could barely respond, but I understood as if it were clear as crystal. I knew you wanted to see J and A, so I sent for them...

We 5 were all together in the room with you that day... you responded to J and A... J promised to take care of your girls and for you to not worry. A told you how much she loves her Pa, forever. When they left that afternoon, mom and I watched as you slipped further under. By morning we heard the update and final prognosis. You waited to hear from and see from your vantage point J and A before you began your full journey.

Two days later you were no longer hooked up to anything, but resting as comfortable as we could provide. You waited for my to leave that morning, before you has one final private moment with mom. She told me you turned your head, opened your eyes and focused on hers... one single tear fell from your eye, as you sighed a deep sigh, mom told her she loves you and it is okay... you closed your eyes and left us. She said she watched you leave your physical body... we know you are safe and well now.

I came to see you, so did J. It was the hardest thing to see, to experience.. to see you there, but you were not really there. I held your hand and kissed your forehead for almost an hour. I did not want to leave you... I wanted you back.

Now you visit us, you speak to me and you still have fun with us. I know you are well now, I know you are watching over us... that star in the sky. I love you dad... I miss you more than I can really put into words. I want to hug you one more time, see your smile and hold your hand. One day I will get that chance... but for now, take care of those who are there with you and tell them all they are loved.

Undiscovered Soul Quotes...

(This will be updated from time to time and thusly re-posted at the top of the blog.)


Life is like a multicolored tapestry of emotions and experience... I hope to one day look back upon my tapestry and see it as a beautiful masterpiece imperfections and all. (Undiscovered Soul)

Sometimes I truly hate my life, but then I look up and see who I share it with.... That is what keeps me going. (Undiscovered Soul)

Not a single one of us are perfect, we were not designed to be...Embrace each other's perfect imperfections for that is the perfect way to be. (Undiscovered Soul)

Sometimes you must open the flood gates in order for the river to become peaceful once again. (Undiscovered Soul)

Judging others only reveals your true colors (Undiscovered Soul)

Life was not designed to be perfect, but to be an imperfect journey to reach perfection, embrace those imperfections, for that is where perfection is found. (Undiscovered Soul)

Embrace the perfect imperfections in others, for you are not above nor below but equal. (Undiscovered Soul)

Away....Apart

I feel you pulling away,
Your love is falling away,
I feel us drifting away,
Our love is going away,
I feel like running away.

Torn apart, falling apart, drifting apart, together yet apart.............

Slowly killing my heart


(Undiscovered Soul)

Nightmares...

It's been four months,
we've been together only once.

What more can I possibly say?
Is there really anything left to say?

I've tried and tried and yet I fail,
my advances to no avail.

My desire is beginning to fade,
our love is like a big charade.

I feel scared and alone,
our house no longer a home.

For the love we had now seems gone...
could it possibly be gone?

In marriage you share intimacy,
but that is what you are refusing me.

I feel like I am dieing inside,
these tears that I am fighting to hide.

It seems you don't care anymore,
if I sleep in your bed or on the floor.

Please make this damn nightmare stop,
I'm begging you.....
please make it stop.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Ebb and flow....

The tide rolls in, the tide rolls out,
the ebb and flow pushes me about.

One day is hell, the next not quite as bad,
Wish only good days were all that I had.

Reality for me, has never been easy,
But maybe my life was not meant to be.

So I struggle to make progress, to move on within my life,
I want to be accepted and loved as a mother and wife.

I am poor, yet not needy, but can not pay my bills,
I am depressed and always sad, the pain it slowly kills.

Do not take for granted, your vacations, loves or friends,
or you could be like me, experience the pain that never ends.

I have none of that, no friends at all, no one wants me close,
They try to hide their feelings, but their distaste for me shows.

I have had a few reunions,  re-connections from the past,
But the happiness and joy I felt was never meant to last.

I don't know where I went wrong, if I am truly not worthwhile,
Or if I am a bad person, somehow nasty even vile.

I am sorry that you do not like me, that I am worth nothing to you,
I guess I am a terrible person not worth love or friendship too.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Illusions.....

Love is just an illusion, Love is filled with pain.
What I had is now gone, I have nothing left to gain.

I feel I am unworthy, like a sacrificial lamb.
I gave all that I had, gave everything I am.

But it seems I am not worth loving, like a jacket left unworn.
When I gave my love to you, my heart was being torn.

My life is left in shambles, in a twisted rolling wake.
I feel empty and unwanted, my heart begins to break.

All I wanted was for you to love me, was it too much for me to ask?
Inside I feel I'm dying, I wear my smile like a mask.

No affection, no touch or single word, of adoration or of love.
I am ignored, cast off and pushed away just something disposed of.

I guess no one has ever really loved me, nor was my real true friend.
I now see my whole reality, the truth came out in the end.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Not enough.....

I see that I am not enough of a reason,
for you to make a change.
I see that our daughter is not enough of a reason,
for you to make a change.

Is this life, my devotion not good enough?
Is there not reason enough, to try to make a change?
Is my love not reason enough?
Not enough to make a change?

Why waste this beautiful life, this beautiful day...
Why ignore your daughter's love, my heart and soul...
I have said all the words there are left to say.
I am left to cry, my heart broken with a hole.

All you are doing is slowly killing you...
While I suffer, you are killing me too.

I have tried my best to give you what you lacked all those years,
A happy home, a loving family, the material things....
Telling you that I love you, adore you, through my tears
But it is never enough, happiness it never brings

All for a drink, a bit of fun, an attempt to numb...

All you are doing is slowly killing you...
While I suffer, you are killing me too.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Dreams and reality...

I dreamt of a loving spouse and picket fence
A happy life in the future sense.
What I got was not in my dream,
I want to wake up, so I scream and scream.

He drinks to forget, to unwind, to go numb
I love him too much that I can not run
So I cry each night in sorrow in pain,
My tears falling down like a constant rain.

My heart breaks for what could be, could have been,
I could never imagine my life without being with him
His past is filled with sorrow and  abandonment,
The pain he feels I can not prevent.

We all have scars from our past,
from falling when we ran too fast.
All we can do is take what we can,
Learn and grow then start again.

I wish I could heal his wounds that run deep,
I pray for help when he's fast asleep,
I cry and plead, but it's all the same
He has hidden stories, filled with pain.

He drinks to escape, forget and to hide,
All the Pain, sorrow and hurt inside.
My heart breaks for his, I wish I could take it all away
So I say a prayer and make a wish, hoping for another day.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Living Nightmare...

I try to live a peaceful life,
but it constantly fills with sadness and strife.
I walk three steps forward just to find,
that I am still two steps behind.

Seems others hate me, love making trouble for me
I just want to live, just want to be free.
First it was the yard and then it was the fence
None of this trouble makes any sense.

I did not start it, did not want it,
I did not ask for this, not one bit.
Was minding my business, just living my life,
Then she came at me with a double edged knife.

Seems trouble is always following me,
like I'm jinxed and doomed to the third degree.
Finish with one problem, one drama filled day,
I find peace for one minute and then it flies far away.

I know I'm not perfect, not beautiful or smart,
but I try to live a love filled life with my broken heart.
I never did anything to any of them,
but I am who they all condemn.

If karma is real, then what they give me,
they get what they give to the power of three.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Cleansing...

Sage, sweetgrass, cedar, pine
bundled together, intertwine
Consumed by fire, released with smoke
my negativity vanish... with each word I spoke.
My home, my body, purify and cleanse
magnify the good with crystal gems.
Sadness, worry vanish fast
all that was, is now the past.
Negative people I push away,
I want to start a brand new day.
Moving forward with open heart
with happiness is my new start.

(Undiscovered Soul)

Nature, naturally...

Out in nature, naturally me
Finally happy, finally free
Free from the sadness and stress
Escape from my life, the mess
No problems, no bills
No expectations to fulfill

I can breathe, I can smile
I walk on mile... after mile
Bird's song, butterflies flutter
A tiny stream's little sputter

My eyes bright, my heart light...can this even be right?
Why can't life always be like this?
Why can't I stay happy like this?

Out in nature I am naturally me...
No more judgments, no one to see
If I am fat, skinny or tall
Out here it doesn't matter at all
Hatred and spite have no place
Out in nature this beautiful place

(Undiscovered Soul)